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The Last Word
How many times do you find yourself saying, “My son/daughter has to have the last word?”
Parents frequently complain that their kids will not accept a “no.” These same children often will correct parents, and challenge any feedback. They have to have “the last word.” We all know what this sounds like, and it can be remarkably frustrating to try to get kids out of this pattern. This can be particularly frustrating with emerging adolescents who will not relinquish the final word.
So what can you do? There are three simple steps to eliminate this pattern.
Let them have “the last word.”
You might be shaking your head right now, “What the heck is he talking about? I thought the idea here was to get rid of the last word syndrome.”
That is the goal. But first, we have to step into reality. Unless you are prepared to put duck tape over your child’s mouth when they keep talking, you can’t really stop them from having the last word. They can always seize this…if they really want it.
Get it. Reality dictates that they can always have the last word…if they really want it.
Instead of trying to control this behavior, they need to learn that it’s not really worth it…to get the last word. I suggest you first begin by thinking of this as a learning process. As such, you must teach them to do it differently. You just can’t “demand it” and make it happen. You can’t make them learn this lesson; you can only set up your home so that your kids learn that when they push for “the last word”… it will not serve them!
But first you have to start in your own head. You have to get clear that you are willing to allow them to have the last word (for now!), and then determine what to do in order to teach them that it is not the wisest choice.
In order to do that, it is essential that…
Give no attention or commentary to “the last word!”
In other words, once you have said “no,” or have given feedback or made a request, there is no need to explain yourself. You don’t have to justify your decision. There is no need to repeat it…regardless of the last word coming from your child’s lips.
There is no need to explain or respond to… “Why?”, or “How come?”, or “That’s your job.”, or “I don’t want to” or “That’s stupid.”
Give no energy to “the last word.” Don’t give it a look. Don’t give it a sigh. Don’t give it a verbal explanation. Give it no attention. Give it no energy.
For some of you, this will be tough…very tough. But notice, it will be the toughest for those of us who really want the same thing many kids want…the last word! Yea…think about it…we want what our kids want…the last word!
It’s impossible for your kids to argue with you if you don’t respond. They aren’t “winning” anything when they are talking to the wind! Just walk away…and leave them talking to the wind! And then see what happens…after a week…two weeks. When you stop investing in “the last word”… your kids
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will too! Not immediately, but give it a week or two and see what happens.
Once you break this desire (on your part) for the last word, you can now have more choice. You can choose to walk away from most of the small stuff. But there are times when you are trying to teach important lessons. In those situations, focus your on….
Teaching with powerful actions…not repeated words!
Action on your part will teach where your words will not. For most of these situations with “the last word,” I encourage you to just walk away.
If you have said, “No, you can’t go to Jack’s house” and your son just keeps asking “Why?’…just walk away. That’s the only action you really need. It doesn’t mean your son will stop right away. It just means that you have now set the conditions where there is no “return” for the argument.
Or perhaps your 12 year old is starting to talk back, when you ask her to pick up her room. She says, “I will do it later.” You say, “Please take care of it now.” She says, “I don’t want to. Nobody else has to clean up on Saturday morning.”
Rather than getting into a useless verbal struggle, just keep my Rule of Responsibility in mind: No fun…until your work is done!
Once the “Rule of Responsibility” is in place, you know exactly what action you need to take. You just wait her out. No computer. No phone. No TV. No friends…until her work (i.e., cleaning her room) is done!
If you pause for a moment, you may begin to realize how often you can use this simple principle to teach the critical lessons you want to teach. It is particularly useful when you need to wait out…”the last word.”
If you have been reading some of the new material on my website at www.TerrificParenting.com, you understand how critical this lesson is. We don’t teach limits on behavior, with lots of words, or lots of yelling or screaming, or threats or negotiations. We don’t teach it with dirty looks, threatened consequences, or attempts to induce guilt or fear.
When we throw our energy into what we don’t want, things only get worse. The more you try to “force” your son or daughter to accept your input, by demanding the last word, the more you can just watch the frustration rise. Even worse…your words FEED their behavior…and make it worse!
Instead, be more action oriented. Either walk away (which is what works for most of the insignificant stuff) or bring stick to the Responsibility Rule…when you have made a request of them.
Magical things start to happen when you apply these simple ideas. It forces you out of the habit of feeding “the last word” with your energy and attention. Once you become more action oriented…kids get it, and they get it fast.
About the author:
Dr. Randy L. Cale is a licensed psychologist who offers parental coaching through his website at http://www.TerrificParenting.com. Visit Terrific for more tips and information.
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